>> Unreasonable <<
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became
upset. "You´re running around with other women," she told
"Eve, honey, you´re being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You
know you´re the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued
until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain
in his side. It was Eve poking him about the torso.
"What do you think you´re doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
>> Cookbook <<
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their
conversation drifted from sports to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never
do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way,
´Take a clean dish and...´"
>> Two words every seven years <<
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. he´s
allowed to say two words every 7 years. After the first 7
years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.
"cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. 7 more
years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.
He clears his throat and say, "Bad food." they nod and send
him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2
words. "I quit," he says.
"That´s not surprising," the elders say. "you´ve done nothing
but complain since you got here."
>> Passed out <<
A man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front
door onto the porch. Someone called 911 and when the paramedics
arrived, they asked him if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked
me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car
out, he came out with the lawn mower."
*** Fish in a barrel
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of
cars that were all traveling at the same speed. However, as they
passed a speed trap, he got caught and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation and was about to walk away when
the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think
it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as
fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah...," the driver replied.
The officer grinned and said, "Ever catch all the fish?"
*** Back seat driver
Johnny had just received his drivers license. The family went out to
the driveway and climbed in the car, so he could take them for a
ride for the first time. Johnny's father immediately headed for the
back seat, directly behind his son.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all
those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how
to drive," said the beaming boy to the his dad.
His father replied, "Nope, I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of
your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these
*** Bad baby
An old country doctor was called out to the boondocks to deliver a
baby. It was really far away and there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring
mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to
hold a lantern high so that he could see while he helped the woman
deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a
little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and
spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!" the 5-year-old said. "He
shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
** Sleeping like a baby
While the stock market was at an all-time high, the ups and downs
frightened a lot of small investors.
One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he
were worried. He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"
"Yes, that's right," he said. "Just like a baby...I sleep for a
couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!"
*** Call me 'Mother'
A young man was walking through a supermarket when he noticed an old
lady following him around. He ignored her and continued on. Finally
he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if my staring has made you
uncomfortable. It's just that you look like my son, who recently
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything that I
can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother?' It
would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
When he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was
"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter
who left you a fortune!"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of
kittens. When he returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think
it's printed on the bottom!"
*** Airplane announcement
A plane took off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Please sit back and relax...OH MY GOD!"
After a moment of silence, the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
hot coffee and spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my
A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing...you should see the
back of mine!"
** A peeing-seeing eye dog
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog
raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg. The man then
reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.
A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You
shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when
he does something like that!"
The blind man responded, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to
find his mouth so that I can kick him in the butt!"
*** Isn't that Darling
The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his
"What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled.
"Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at
before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I
refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker
- that's all. Now that we got that straight, what's your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."
** Speeding ticket
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was
behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What
did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time
there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"