** Picture perfect
"You always carry my photo
in your handbag. Why?," the husband asked
his wife.
"When there is a problem,
no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears,"
she said.
"You see how miraculous
and powerful I am for you?," he asked.
"Yes," she said. "I
see your picture and say to myself, 'What other
problem can there be greater
than this one?'"
** Spare change
Two college students, Frank and
Matt, were riding on a New York City
subway when a beggar approached
them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejected the
man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whipped
out his wallet, pulled out a couple
of dollars and gladly handed
them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanked him and then
continued on to the other passengers.
Frank was outraged by his friend's
act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do
that for?" shouted Frank. "You know he's
only going to use it on drugs
or booze!"
Matt replied, "What...and
we weren't?"
** Vision of beauty
A man left work one Friday afternoon.
But - being payday - instead of
going home, he stayed out the
entire weekend partying with the boys
and spending his entire week's
wages.
When he finally appeared at home
on Sunday night he was confronted by
a very angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a
tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the
nagging and simply said to him, "How
would you like it if you didn't
see me for two or three days?" To
which he replied, "That
would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't
see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came
and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went
down just enough where he could see
her a little out of the corner
of his left eye.
** Driving problems
A police officer on a motorcycle
pulled up to a man driving on the
highway.
"Pull over," the officer
said. The driver pulled over to the side of
the road.
"I'm sorry, officer, was
I speeding?" the driver asked.
"No, but your wife fell
out of the car a mile back."
The man replied, "Oh, that
explains it. I thought I was going deaf!
*** Weird coincidence
Two men were playing golf on
a Saturday afternoon. They were getting
frustrated, though, because the
two women who were playing in front
of them were quite slow, and
were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know they're
supposed to let us play through?" asked the
first man. The other shook his
head. "I'm going to go ask them if we
can play through...enough is
enough."
He started walking toward the
women, but as he got close, he suddenly
turned around and came back,
white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to
his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have
to ask those women if we can
play through. You see, one of them is
my wife, and the other is my
mistress."
The other man shrugged. He walked
over toward the women, and just as
he was getting close, turned
around and came running back to his
pal. His eyes wide open, he said,
"Small world!"
*** Fatherhood
An elderly couple was having
an elegant dinner to celebrate their
75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and
softly said to his wife, "Dear, there
is something that I must ask
you. It has always bothered me that our
tenth child never quite looked
like the rest of our children. Now I
want to assure you that these
75 years have been the most wonderful
experience I could have ever
hoped for, and your answer cannot take
that away. But, I must know,
did he have a different father?"
The wife dropped her head. Unable
to look her husband in the eye, she
paused for a moment and then
confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man was very shaken.
With a tear in his eye he asked, "Who
was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman dropped her
head, saying nothing at first as she
tried to muster the courage to
tell her husband the truth. Then,
finally, she said, "You."
** Dalmatians
A nursery school teacher was
delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck
zoomed past them. Sitting in the
front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian. The children fell to
discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds
back," said one youngster.
"No, he's just for good
luck," said another.
A third child brought the argument
to a close.
"They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
*** Wrong way
A man was driving down the freeway
when his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "John, I
just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on
Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just ONE car,"
said John, "It's hundreds of them!"
** The leaf
A little boy opened the big family
Bible with fascination, and looked
at the old pages as he turned
them. Suddenly, something fell out of
the Bible, and he picked it up
and looked at it closely. It was an
old leaf from a tree that had
been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found,"
the boy called out.
"What have you got there,
dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young
boy's voice, he answered: "I think
it's Adam's suit!"
>> Baby Chickens <<
A city slicker moves to the country
and decides he´s going to take up
farming. He heads to the local
co-op and tells the man, "Give me
100 baby chickens." The
co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns
and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns.
This time he says, "Give me 500
baby chickens." "Wow!"
the co-op man replies, "You must really be
doing well!"
"Naw," said the man
with a sigh, "I´m either planting them too deep or
too far apart!"
>> Your mother insulted
me <<
When the man came home, his wife
was crying.
"Your mother insulted me,"
she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she
do that? She´s on vacation on
the other side of the world!"
the man said.
"I know. But this morning
a letter addressed to you arrived.
I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter
she wrote:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have
finished reading this letter,
don´t forget to give it to my
son."
>> Seen this before? <<
A man decides to take the opportunity
while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. The wife
comes home sooner than
expected, sits, and gets the
seat stuck to her rear. She is
understandably distraught about
this and asks her husband to
drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat
so as to cover the stuck seat, and
they go. When they get to the
doctor´s, the man lifts his wife´s
coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything like
this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor
replies, "but never framed."
*** Car trouble
My wife came home the other day
and said, "Honey, the car won't
start, but I know what the problem
is."
I asked her what it was and she
told me it has water in the
carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then
said, "You know I don't mean this badly,
but you don't know the carburetor
from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely
water in the carburetor" she insisted.
"OK, Honey, that's fine,
I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake!"
